Happy 2012, auto parts enthusiasts. A new year brings hope, promise, and loads and loads of the same ol' horseshit.
Despite my resolution to be more of a dick to retail customers, I am still sought out by crazy people throughout the land. I dare say I have become a veritable crazy magnet. It usually starts with someone pulling into my parking lot and sitting in their car for a minute or two. Since we are not a traditional retail store, people get confused when they pull up to a warehouse, and inexplicably just sit in their car and stare at my building. The next thing that happens is always the same. They will poke their head in the door and say
"Am I in the right place?"
My response is always the same.
"That depends on what you're looking for".
"I need some parts for my car. My friend's neighbor's plumber's dog's cousin said you could help me. Are you Scott?"
"Unfortunately. What can I do for you?"
I shouldn't say this, but whether or not I help someone really depends on my mood. I size a person up (which I think have gotten quite good at) and just decide on a whim if their boring problem is worth my time. I usually help, since I myself am a blue-collar working stiff, and taking customers' money is ultimately what my superiors are paying me for.
What I think is weird is that so many people come looking specifically for me. There are two people at my location who can take orders, and three people at a call center who can do the same. Prices are the same no matter who you talk to (although sometimes they are subject to change depending on a customer's attitude), so I suppose I should take it as a compliment that people spread my name around enough that I am developing a reputation for being a trustworthy retailer. Flattering to be sure, but I'd be much happier with a little peace and quiet.
The temptation to abuse that trust, however, is almost impossible to resist sometimes. My evil side just can't help screwing with people. For example, most retail parts stores will install wiper blades at no charge. Our company has no such policy that I know of, so when walk-in customers ask me if I can do that very thing for them, it really depends on how annoying they are. I went outside in the COLD and installed some blades on a van while it was COLD and snowy the other day, simply because the lady who bought them was very polite and asked if I could help, since she had no idea how. I also got a two dollar tip, which I thought was pretty cool because, hey, it's two dollars more than I had a minute ago.
On another occasion, I had a guy come in and complain about how expensive our wiper blades are and that he should get free installation for his trouble. I told him that due to insurance regulations, we are not legally permitted to perform any service on a customer's vehicle, and that if he needs help installing them, I could recommend a garage for him. I completely pulled that out of thin air, and he bought it without a second thought. He assured me in his (probably) most macho tone of voice that he can put his own wiper blades on, then proceeded to go out and fumble around with them for a while before driving off and never coming back. I think I was supposed to be insulted by that.
Another customer who is irresistible to screw with is the Guy Who Knows Nothing About Cars. If I'm busy, he is the worst, and usually blown off without making a sale. I just don't have the time to explain how a car works, or how to install a parts that you can't even pronounce. If I'm slow and therefore bored, he is a welcome distraction. It's pretty funny what mechanics will tell people sometimes. I've had people come in and ask for things that don't exist. Brake grease, control arm linkage, tie rod bushings, tailpipe caps, thermostat connectors, and ya know, those special headlights that they saw on TV.
My favorite though, is the guy who wanted four quarts of brake fluid. I asked if he would rather buy a gallon, since buying the bulk size would save him about two dollars. He angrily restated that he didn't need a whole gallon, he just needed four quarts. I sold him what he wanted, and took him for a couple extra bucks without even trying. I even had someone tell me once that they need to let the summer air out of their tires and put in winter air, and ask if I knew anyone who could do this for them. Sometimes I don't have the heart to tell them they've been had. I usually just tell them that whatever imaginary thing they're after is out of stock right now, and send them to a competitor's store.
On a semi-related topic, asking "How ya doin'?" is NOT an invitation to tell me about all of your weird and/or creepy ailments. This crazy dude came in today and rambled for a good seven or eight minutes about the time he cut his foot and had to go to the hospital. I got every gory detail of this epic adventure, whether I wanted it or not. Sometimes I really hate being pinned down in the name of customer service. As much as I would love to go all George Carlin on people and suddenly shout "Blow it out your ass!", I have to sit there and take it.* I've heard it all; I have a blister on my foot, an abscessed tooth, hemorrhoids, a slipped disc, a pulled muscle, a weak colon, iron deficiency, a generally fucked up pancreas, a thing growing on my neck, and my personal favorite, a story about a stomach ulcer told while eating a Big Mac.
I'm no doctor, but I think peoples' biggest ailment is that they don't have that filter between their brains and their big fat mouths. I'd just be happy with a little tact, or failing that, an ounce of consideration for people that don't need to hear about your stupid bullshit.
Speaking of, that's enough complaining out of me for today. I'm going to go drink some cheap bourbon, watch Dog the Bounty Hunter, and laugh at his ridiculous mullet. 2012 is off to an awesome start. I trust you've all broken you new-year's resolutions by now? If not, you'd better get started. The end of the world will be here before you know it.
*As I've previously stated, my job is not to sell auto parts, but to facilitate the separation of customers from their hard-earned cash. Random angry outbursts are counter-productive.
