Top Ten

Everything in our world today, at least as far as the internet is concerned, seems to come in Top Ten List form. I really can't think of many things about the auto parts business that can be quantified in tidy groups of ten, except of course for irritations. Those I have plenty of. Everyone thinks we parts guys are crabby for no reason. Well, there's a reason. It's probably you. So with mild further ado, here's my list of things that will make your auto parts shopping experience much less likely to result in the the miserable asshole behind the counter strangling you. Some of these may even apply to other real world situations in every day life, so pay attention.

10). Don't ask how to install your part.
We are not mechanics. We sell parts for a living, we don't install them. If you don't know how to install the thing that you are buying, you probably shouldn't be buying it. Go to a garage, and pay someone to fix your car before you kill yourself because you put your brakes on wrong. The end.

9). If you're just price shopping, please say so.
We understand that there are many retailers you can buy your parts from, and that in our modern world of internets and such, a smart shopper will explore all paths before parting with their money. Please don't waste 10 or 15 minutes of our time by having us look up dozens of parts for your car that you aren't going to buy. Believe it or not, we have more important shit to do.

8). Respect the store hours.
This should be an easy one. Don't come in 19 seconds after we officially open and expect us to be all polite and smiley. I have actually had people follow me into the store and stand there while I turn the lights on and start up my computers. I usually ignore them and go about my routine at least until the coffee is done. Conversely, don't come in minutes before closing and expect us to give a flying fart about your problems. We've been open for 9 hours, check your watch.

7). We are not a bank. 
If you just got paid and all you have are hundreds and fifties, please do not go to an auto parts store and buy a $1.59 gallon of windshield washer fluid and expect us to break your hundred dollar bill. Fuck you.


6). Don't assume the counterman doesn't know what he/she is doing.
Most auto parts counter people have a surly streak (in case you couldn't tell) which usually results in us not chatting much while we're searching for whatever obscure thing it is that you're looking for. This does not mean we are not listening, nor does it mean that we didn't understand your request. We just aren't saying anything because we hate you for interrupting our Angry Birds time. Furthermore, if your counter person happens to be female, please don't make the old-fashioned assumption that girls don't know anything about cars. I know some parts girls that can run circles around the boys, and God help you if you condescend and call them "sweetie" or "honey".


5). Don't try to speak our language.
If you are a backyard, do-it-yourself mechanic, please do not try to impress your parts guy/gal by trying to use our lingo. When you start talking about core charges, pro-rated warranties, foreign vs domestic suppliers, and jobber pricing without knowing what they mean, you just sound like an asshole. We will laugh at you after you leave.

4). Don't tell stories.
We're glad that you chose our store to make your automotive related purchases. Take your items and exchange the appropriate payment. We don't need to hear why you are working on your car, how long you've had it, what work you've put into it, what color it is, where and when you bought it, how much your spouse and kids like it, how fast it goes, how many road trips you've been on, what kind of gas mileage you got on your last trip to Atlantic City, or any other such nonsense.

3). Don't try to haggle.
Listen, we work hard for our paychecks, too. Putting up with your bullshit is practically a full time job in itself. We understand the value of a dollar. For some reason, everyone treats parts stores like some backwoods farmer's market. I really don't get this, but it happens all the time. You quote someone a price, and the first thing out of their fat ugly mouth is, "Can you do any better than that?" Guess what, NO. The price is what it is. Sure, we can adjust prices to match our competitors, but such practice is usually just reserved for customers who spend big bucks to begin with, and only on occasions where it's absolutely necessary. As a general rule, if you insist on a price break, we will remember you and make it back twofold next time we encounter your stupid face.

2). Know what you need.
This seems pretty simple, but for the life of me, I can't figure out why people make it so difficult. If you go to a parts store, it is usually because something on your car is broken, and you are going to replace it. People seem to think that we are all-seeing, all-knowing car whisperers, and as such, should magically know the perfect thing to sell you to fix your problem. Asking things like "My car keeps stalling, what should I buy?" does not help us or you in any way. As previously stated, we are not mechanics, nor are we automotive troubleshooting geniuses, despite what TV commercials would have you believe. If your car doesn't work as it should, please take it to a respectable garage before you kill someone. Auto parts stores are not a quick fix.

1). Know what kind of car you have.
This may come as a surprise, but many people have no fucking idea what kind of car they drive. I'm not kidding. People will come in and ask for an air filter for their car. You ask them what kind of car it is (important information, mind you) and they tell you it's a blue one. Or they smartly correct you and tell you that it's not a car, its a truck. OK, what kind of truck? "Um...a blue one. I think it's a Chevy, but it might be a Ford. Does it matter?" No, it doesn't matter. I maintain a 6000 square foot warehouse full of parts for fun. Let me just grab a magic part from the blue truck aisle and discount the price because for you because your blue truck is more important than everyone else's chosen mode of transport. As a general rule of thumb, if you don't know what kind of vehicle you're driving, you probably shouldn't be trying to repair it. I understand that not everyone is a gearhead, but holy shit, if you can't even identify what is parked in your driveway, then please leave the repair and maintenance of it to the professionals.

So there you have it. Scott's top ten list of the stupidest things you can do as an auto parts customer. I can only hope that all you would-be driveway mechanics out there have learned something from all my indignant ranting, but I've been doing this for nigh on ten years now, and very little surprises me these days. If this list does not enhance your auto parts buying experience, please be sure to ask for a manager, because I am the manager, and I would be glad to scold my employee for your stupidity. Thanks for shopping here, and have a nice day.